Thursday, September 10, 2009

Something Stinks

Everyday for the past few months I have smelled the rotten stench of failure emanating from my pores. I have tried showering, but to no avail I still smelled it. I tried sugar scrubs by Lather and still I reeked of it. I wore designer perfumes, soaked for hours in sweet smelling bathtubs, washed my hair once a day with vanilla scented shampoo –all of that- to end up with the same result. I STILL STANK!!

Then it occurred to me the other day that this smell; this repugnant odor that I had been trying to purge myself of wasn’t failure at all. It was fear. Most animals can smell fear on a person and any species of predators dine on another’s fear. All this time I had been simply fearing the idea of failure in my life and in doing this I allowed every hater, pessimist and Negative Nancy (yes I use that term regularly) to devour the mere possibility of my victories.

Now, I know all of this probably appears to be coming out of left field. But believe me it really is just a long time coming. I have found myself in many a tight and trying situation in the recent months and the wear on my spirit was becoming more than I could bear. And then something Qiana told me when we first started dating clicked in my mind again. She told me:
If you want something different, do something different.

It is entirely too easy to wax and wane my problems, my situations or my past into irrelevance. It is also very exhausting. The very tiring cycle of fear-failure-exhaust-remorse is one draining ride.

Let me break down the cycle:
FEAR – This is when you start to fear (for example) the possibility that you are never going to be a size 2 again.

FAILURE – At this point you have started to convince yourself that you are a failure for not becoming or even being a size two anymore and begin to beat yourself up.

EXHAUST – Now you tired of all of the self-loathing and have whittled yourself down to a depressive state where you would rather sleep all day than have to look another person in the eye.

REMORSE – This is when you start feeling guilty for having wasted all of this time not being more progressive and doing something to become a size 2; which rolls right back into the fear that you will never be able to lose the weight at all.

BABY!! I am so over that ish!! Today I am coming home exhausted; pungently smelling of the sweet, sweaty funk of hard work and promise. I have to exhaust all efforts to be the best me I can be and stop fearing failure. You can never truly fail at what you give your all to. And always give your all to completion. Just because half way through your struggle to attain greatness things get rough doesn’t mean that they will always be rough (it also doesn’t mean that it is going to get any easier) and it certainly doesn’t mean to stop pushing forward and trying. Nothing were having and keeping comes without hard word and sacrifice.

I know implementing this new way of thinking and felling is not going to be an overnight change but I can’t STAND STINKING ANYMORE!!

Sunday, September 6, 2009

I am so sorry

I know that it has been........ basically never since I posted an update or even something worth reading on my blog spot and I truly apologize.
I am always busy with work and working out and getting settled down here in New York.
Unfortunately things aren't going as gracefully as I had anticipated since I arrived in New York City in May and it has lead to some very dark episodes of depression.
I hadn't even imagined that I would feel the range of disappointment that I have been feeling.
I once heard someone say that if they never completed their dreams they would never want to go home; because you just can't go home and be a failure. That is just how I feel right about now. A big failure. I want and need so much more outta my life and time spent here. I am trying to keep a positive outlook on things the reality is that when you can't open the window of opportunity you just wanna walk out of the door of life.
I know this isn't the most cheerful of blogs but I figure I can use this blog as an online diary of some sort.
Bare with me people (the 2 of you out there)

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Officially getting at you with an update!!

So, as we all know I am not the most savvy person when it comes to Blog spot and on my Twitter account. But I am working on it!

I really am very busy so it often slips my mind to update and blog here. My bad! Qiana is trying here damnedest to keep me up on these things.

Alrighty then! - I went to the 789 Gathering this weekend and had a great time meeting people from YouTube. I have to admit there were a lot of people I didn't recognize and quite a few people who I had wished were there but none the less I had a good time. I got the chance to realize that some You tubers are a hot azz mess in person (don't ask me who I am not trying start any beef). But the people that I really got to speak with were great.

I also never realized how much of a geeky subculture YouTube is. I mean I love vlogging but we are really a special people.....Screaming to meet each other; autographing each others body parts (not me); creating superstars out of the average Joe. What a community!!

What was funny to me was that I found myself almost meekly speaking to people because I didn't want to appear to be some type of crazy over anxious fan-boy or stalker.

What I do realize it that I am glad I went and very glad that I got to meet all of the people that I did.

Ya know, I think I just might try to orchestrate some type of YouTube get together of my own one day. Hell why not!?

Friday, July 3, 2009

Michael Jackson pub crawl to be held in Village

I know that I will be there. I can't promise any Michael gear, but I make a pretty cute half-ass Janet -hahahaha. No really. Come out! It should be fun!!


Thursday, June 25, 2009

R.I.P. Michael

So, you might not have guessed it but I really am a big Michael Jackson fan, and I am having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that true King of Pop being dead. It is a very grim day for the music industry.
We all know Michael was a bit of a freak with the kids but his musically talents and contributions can't be touched. This might very well be the day that music died.
I am secretly hoping that this is all a publicity stunt

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Perez Hilton get the BOOM BOOM POW!

What in the hell?? I just happend upon the picture of Perez Hilton looking beat the F@!% up and thought it was photoshop until I looked into the story.

After the MuchMusic Awards in Toronto, gossip blogger Perez Hilton and Black Eyed Peas MC/producer allegedly had an altercation outside of an afterparty that resulted in Hilton being assaulted, the manager of the BEP being arrested and a very public battle of Tweets and video statements being transmitted for the entire world to see.
Read the full story here!

You can also check out the video I found on associated press...

Click here for Perez Hilton's full video statement

Ciara Feat. Missy Elliot - WORK

All I can say is DAMN! Ciara really did work it out in this video. The choreography is bananas and her wardrobe is on point! It's been awhile since I've been excited about a music video and even longer since I've been excited over Ciara, but although this isn't necessarily my favorite song... I can see this being a club joint Imma break my back to!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Chris Brown Pleads Guilty to Assault!

Do you guys remember my video about the whole Chris Brown/Rihanna nonsense that I made when the story first broke? I didn't know (and neither did any of ya'll!) what in the hell was going on. Everybody had a different story, even STD's were thrown in the mix. In case you don't recall, heres my video on the issue

LOS ANGELES - Chris Brown has pleaded guilty to one count of felony assault on pop star Rihanna.

Brown entered his plea before a preliminary hearing was scheduled to start in Los Angeles on Monday.

Rihanna had been on standby to testify.

Brown will be sentenced on Aug. 5, but the terms of the plea deal call for him to serve five years of formal probation and six months -- roughly 1,400 hours -- of community labor. Brown will be able to complete his probation in his home state of Virginia; he will have to do either graffiti removal or roadside cleanup for his service.

Read More Here

Monday, June 22, 2009

After the Club Facts

The summer is here and theres no better way to spend the night than to dance it up at a night club! But ladies (especially my lesbians) before you go, make sure you check out my video. As much fun as a party can be, there can be so much WRONG in the mix!